Clusterfuck of Whatever the Fuck This Is

i don't normally ask 4 love on social media, but i'm needing it 2day. in the middle of week 5 w/o #MMJ & #bigpharma. i need a hug.

as if the physical pain from the polymyalgia & fibromyalgia by themselves aren't bad enough, i have two teeth that need attention. since i am on medicaid, the HMO dentist can only pull the one tooth (it needs a root canal, but i cannot afford $1200 for such a procedure), & after the last fiasco i don't trust them with filling the other (they really are some of the biggest mooches of the welfare system... doctors & dentists--they create customers w/their shoddy work & lack-luster attitudes toward people like me instead of treating patients).

too, my mental health (#MDD, #PTSD, & social anxiety with acute panic attacks (that are coming in waves the last 2 weeks) is totally on a frenzy of it's own. that doesn't even include real time life happening just outside my door & bleeding into my sanctum. neighbor parents that are horrible to their children & those just out shopping being dicks--i'd rather deal with punkass teens as i can relate to those lil, shits) . i'm starting to think i may actually be agoraphobic, too.

let's heap some more crap on this shit fire why don't we. i am naturally an empath. i take on others' feelings, even folks i don't know in other parts of the world, so that weighs on me. look at the misogynist figure head of this country & the ones leading other countries (they may not be white but misogynists nonetheless, the state of the environment (i am totally feeling the pain of the earth in the dakotas something awful--not just the native folks, the actual earth (she is crying) & the terrorists throughout the world (both in the streets & the privacy of their homes).

the part that triggered this tsunami of a clusterfuck of whatever the hell this is is so minuscule (this is where the ridicule happens from folks outside of me & where a lot of comics get off making cracks, which really CUTS people like me, FYI *snarky voice) that most would say is the "silliest reason i've ever heard." the trigger was my seedling dying this morning. i can grow children, hair & plants well, so this devastated me. i am now what my stepmother would call a "blithering idiot." i cannot get her the fuck outta my head, & i haven't spoken a word to her in couple of years (if you have children, remember that your fucking words matter!!!!). i'm a mess & am asking for some affection.

i'm not in suicide watch mode, FYI, but i am damn close & am asking for a bit of attention from my friends. if your not comfortable with this i understand. believe me, i am far from comfortable with any of it, either. most of the time, i simply isolate & it gets worse, so i am trying something new by reaching out before i get to the edge of my proverbial cliff.