Clusterfuck of Whatever the Fuck This Is

i don't normally ask 4 love on social media, but i'm needing it 2day. in the middle of week 5 w/o #MMJ & #bigpharma. i need a hug.

as if the physical pain from the polymyalgia & fibromyalgia by themselves aren't bad enough, i have two teeth that need attention. since i am on medicaid, the HMO dentist can only pull the one tooth (it needs a root canal, but i cannot afford $1200 for such a procedure), & after the last fiasco i don't trust them with filling the other (they really are some of the biggest mooches of the welfare system... doctors & dentists--they create customers w/their shoddy work & lack-luster attitudes toward people like me instead of treating patients).

too, my mental health (#MDD, #PTSD, & social anxiety with acute panic attacks (that are coming in waves the last 2 weeks) is totally on a frenzy of it's own. that doesn't even include real time life happening just outside my door & bleeding into my sanctum. neighbor parents that are horrible to their children & those just out shopping being dicks--i'd rather deal with punkass teens as i can relate to those lil, shits) . i'm starting to think i may actually be agoraphobic, too.

let's heap some more crap on this shit fire why don't we. i am naturally an empath. i take on others' feelings, even folks i don't know in other parts of the world, so that weighs on me. look at the misogynist figure head of this country & the ones leading other countries (they may not be white but misogynists nonetheless, the state of the environment (i am totally feeling the pain of the earth in the dakotas something awful--not just the native folks, the actual earth (she is crying) & the terrorists throughout the world (both in the streets & the privacy of their homes).

the part that triggered this tsunami of a clusterfuck of whatever the hell this is is so minuscule (this is where the ridicule happens from folks outside of me & where a lot of comics get off making cracks, which really CUTS people like me, FYI *snarky voice) that most would say is the "silliest reason i've ever heard." the trigger was my seedling dying this morning. i can grow children, hair & plants well, so this devastated me. i am now what my stepmother would call a "blithering idiot." i cannot get her the fuck outta my head, & i haven't spoken a word to her in couple of years (if you have children, remember that your fucking words matter!!!!). i'm a mess & am asking for some affection.

i'm not in suicide watch mode, FYI, but i am damn close & am asking for a bit of attention from my friends. if your not comfortable with this i understand. believe me, i am far from comfortable with any of it, either. most of the time, i simply isolate & it gets worse, so i am trying something new by reaching out before i get to the edge of my proverbial cliff.

Please, Hug Me Through This

I was really looking forward to someone special coming over today.  I had planned to have a nice lunch, & see her off to her destination with a happy heart. However, she arrived a little earlier than expected, and I was rather impatient.  Because of my anxiety she felt I was being negative & offensive. Then, everything exploded into some kind of irrational yelling fiasco.  Usually, when I disagree with this person, we can equally share the blame.  Yet, today it was me, all me.  It was illogically and inexcusably my fault.

Me:  “I don’t know why I go from one extreme to the other. I know I don’t want to hurt anymore. I know that I don’t want to hurt others. Cutting them off & retreating is the only way I know. I can’t explain it. I don’t have any excuses. Being alone is the only way I know to cope. I lack any other self-preservation skills. I love you, but I don’t know how to show it most of the time. The feelings I have are so strong, but I can’t seem to get the actions down. I haven’t the slightest clue how other than to mimic what I think it should be, & I am sorry.”

I have asked myself over and over again throughout my life why I alienate people.  Today, just as I was writing this, I had an epiphany.  The reason why I can’t people . . .   the reason why I cannot relationship . . .  & the reason I withdraw. . .  It’s so very simple.  I never learned how to interact. I lack the skills.

The adults in my life that were supposed to teach me, love me, encourage me, and explain things to me seldom, if ever, put in the effort.  Rather than talk to me and try to clarify, put words to feelings, or try to explain how to deal with them, all I got was, “shut up.” When I couldn’t stop being me I was hit, screamed at, grounded to my room (sometimes for a month at a time), locked in a closet, or just let alone all night, depending on which family I was living amongst. It’s so much easier to withdraw & stay inside. That’s probably why I love turtles so much. The shell is a very safe place.

I would like to challenge each and every human being out there to treat children with compassion, love, & patience.  When they are having a mental breakdown I challenge you to not put them in time out. Instead, sit with them and hold them. Let them know that feelings are so big, and that you don’t know how to deal with them, either.  Tell them that you will hug them through it, if they want you to. If they’d rather be left alone, let them know when they are done being alone that you are there, & you’re available for hugs when they are ready.

I don’t care what religion you are, Jesus had it spot on when he said, “Suffer the little children, and let them come unto me.” My interpretation of that is accepting them, wrapping them in your arms, and listening to them before you react.  You are the adult.  The child’s brain isn’t even developed, and they’re unequipped unless you teach them.

Peace, Love, Joy!
Blessed Be.